ADHD- Anger and flowers. Why do we fail in relationships we are the "last of the romantics"

ADHD and relationships.

Part 1

This Blog will be written in two, just because the subject is so important to me and a problem of huge scale for us all, in this first part I will try to introduce you to some of the issues I have faced. In the second I would like to concentrate on the positive traits and trust me there are hundreds of them.

So where do I start with this one. The most complicated and probably the hardest for me talk about.

I massively struggle with relationships and sexual partners and throughout my journey to the age of 32, I have had a below average number of relationships/partners

Why is this?

We fall hard?

We are hard work?

We are bad people?

NO!!

"Being misunderstood is hard, even being understood still pushes partners’ tolerance levels to the bitter edge when you have ADHD."

So why is this? Here is my perspective and experience with this…

Let me start over 17 years ago in school, I am 14, this is when I perceive as the start of ‘having relationships’. Some of us may differ on this but this is where I shall start.

I remember being in School, I was always the one who was little different, my clothes, my personality, my background, but I had one thing on my side, the ability and desire to take risks and my ‘class clown’ status, this is something incredibly handy when trying to be in anyway popular in school. Missing lessons, being witty and quick when getting in trouble (again) for being generally disruptive and disturbing others, having a care free attitude in school actually allowed me to not spend my entire life on my own during school and sometimes out. Its funny but majority were female. I have and have always had a greater connection with females, when it comes to friendships, maybe my interests are more perceived as feminine, maybe I feel they understand me more, I am really not 100% sure of this what I do known is it is fact…..

“Any of you find better friendships with the opposite sex”?

Even having these friendships, my first relationship/Girlfriend did not begin until I left school.

My first relationship turned into my only for a long time. I put everything into this relationship both physically and emotionally, I fell hard. I am not sure if this was due to the ‘lack of’ or my natural ADHD traits taking over, looking back and knowing what I do now, it was most certainly the latter.

"People with ADHD are often described as ‘the last of the romantics’, I believe very much we are."

Our desire and passion that goes into making a relationship work is like no other. I would be extremely attentive, texting and calling all of the time, sometimes at the detriment of my work. I would shower her with expensive gifts and flowers, I was so scared to lose someone I perceived as my world and was willing to sacrifice anything to ensure that.

My first relationship moved very quickly and she became pregnant within months of meeting and we had started planning to get married. It was like a whirlwind adventure and one I had longed for and did not want to stop, my seemingly 'obsessive' ADHD brain went into full swing, I did not want anything to go wrong, I wanted to do everything and I wanted to do it now. I proposed to her within a couple of months after meeting and started planning a wedding for the next year.

During the planning she became pregnant, something that overwhelmed and scared me, none the less my ADHD brain took over once again, the natural impulsive nature of ADHD engulfed my thoughts ‘ I had to get married now’, I couldn’t and did not want to wait until we had the baby. I booked the wedding without even telling her for a month later, 2 days before Christmas and started to make arrangements.

Skipping forward somewhat we got married and March saw the birth of our first child. It was an incredibly overwhelming time and put a lot more pressure on me and the cracks were starting to show, our perfect and fast-paced relationship saw a lot difficulties during the months that followed my daughter’s birth.

"When you have a child responsibilities change, your entire world does in fact, parenting certainly does not account for ADHD."

The unstructured and inability to plan went unnoticed previously but trying to tell someone with ADHD that you can’t be so spontaneous and risky once you have a child and a home is like telling someone to fly, its near impossible. I had always struggled to stay in routine, manage finances and plan; this also went unnoticed at the start of my relationship and feel that some of the positive traits certainly were what attracted her to me.

I felt I now had to step up my game, I did not want to be a failure (something I fear from experiences as a child), and this is certainly something we all with ADHD suffer from. I worked incredibly hard, breaking the boundaries and proving myself to not only my employer but to everyone around me, being young parents certainly always has a stigma attached to it. I felt at one point I was unstoppable and I certainly wouldn’t stop, forever striving to provide and succeed, not sitting down for a minute, at work or home, constantly wanting everything I did to be a massive adventure and always a little different.

The issue is that when you have ADHD, you certainly do not stop and that comes with consequences, failures along the way that have a huge impact and makes us more susceptible to depression and frustration, the trouble is frustration for me nearly always manifests itself with anger.

As things started to get harder and I did not see the instant, gratification for my efforts I began to become ‘moody’ and angry all part of the perceived failures that I had started to encounter.

"lets be honest anger and frustration is not a great trait for anyone to possess."

Let’s be honest anger and frustration is not a great trait for anyone to possess and ADHD anger and frustrations do not manifest in any way but with full force, like everything we do. Sadly our anger and frustrations normally show its ugly face around the ones we love.

From my perspective it is not meant to be directed at them but it is uncontrollable, the filter between my emotions and the outside world does not exist, the second thought that Neurotypicals possess to analyse an emotional response, before unleashing it, is certainly missing from the ADHD brain.

The sharp and short release of these emotions for me at least gives me such a sense of relief, it is like a pressured vessel bubbling up inside and expanding. Once released the pressure within is stabilised and I/we feel so much better instantly, Unfortunately what comes with that, for me at least is horrendous guilt and regret, as what happens in that instant may be undesirable to people around you and in society in general.

These uncontrollable releases of emotion have been the cause of many issues within my relationships. But a word to those of you who do not suffer with ADHD, it really is not our fault, please try to understand. The issue is that these releases can not be undone and dependent on the severity of the emotion it can sometimes be catastrophic.

"Emotional ups and downs are a huge part of ADHD and not being in control of our emotions makes it so much harder for our partners to deal with or understand."

Emotional ups and downs are a huge part of ADHD and not being in control of our emotions makes it so much harder for our partners to deal with or understand. The constant changes and frustrations at things that Neurotypicals take for granted take their toll on a partner without ADHD, which brings me onto some of the other barriers.

Our naturally ‘on the go’, impulsive nature needs understanding, but also grounding. I have a million ideas, dreams and wants just in one day, I would say 75% of them are just not realistic, this can be particularly frustrating to a partner who is slightly more grounded and never knows where they stand or what our next ‘wacky’ idea may be. I want to be doing something constantly and that something has to be epic, to me stopping is the ultimate failure, although it really is not, my brain won’t let me think any different.

The great procrastinator…

But are we really..? I don’t think so, in a nut shell we just can’t do things that are hard. It sounds a little vague so let me elaborate;

For me I believe it is not the physical but more the emotional, especially when it comes to relationships, feeling like a failure, the guilt of upsetting someone are things that I find incredibly hard to deal with. This is talking from experience.

"we own that pain"

Me and my wife are no longer together, we split up around 5 years ago and wow was that the hardest thing I ever had to do. I knew it was right but it was going to be so hard, so I put little things off, like moving out and getting a place of my own, getting divorced and switching banks. Although there was some financial implications to this it was probably doable. My main issue was how hard she then began to fight to not let it happen, so many things kept going through my mind, so much confusion and hurt. Although this is even something Neurotypicals can suffer with, it hits us harder, we own that pain.

"We invest all of our love and emotions and dedicate to the relationship as if it forever and this is deeper than most."

Doing something you know is right against the difficulty is always met with procrastination and nothing happens. The difference is that when we find something we enjoy, then we excel in the things we do again another trait that seems highly desirable to attracting partners. Getting over a relationship is hard for us with ADHD and takes longer than most, for we literally put everything in. We invest all of our love and emotions and dedicate to the relationship as if it forever and this is deeper than most. You cannot get this back easily when someone leaves and for me particularly, absolutely destroys me but also makes me close up and not want to give it away ever again in fear of losing everything all over again. My thought is that is it procrastination or is it fear and caution towards something you have felt immense pain with both with relationships and other difficult activities?

To be continued……..